Rainy Vancouver. What to do there? I don't know. Waiting for nothing. Doing nothing. I miss Julieta. That's all I do. There's a song from the Phantom of the Paradise movie that's meaningful to Julieta and me. The song is "special to me", sung and danced by Jessica Harper as her character, Phoenix. I fell in love with her, many years ago. Julieta knew it and was practicing to sing and dance it for me in that October when she was killed. Close to her school there's a plaza where Juli's friends wrote in her honor a phrase from the song: "You'll only get hurt if you fall".
Now that she is not physically present, I find ways to connect to her, to honor her life, to love her. "Special to me" by Julieta-Phoenix is one. It makes a lot of sense. Phoenix, rebirth through flames. "flaming burial site exclusive as my dead ones like it" was Julieta's last e-mail address. She knew. Her shrink saw a flaming bird in an ancient native cemetery in Patagonia, days after her death.
I find the song in Youtube. I watch her, I imagine her, I cry her. My Juli, my Phoenix, my soulmate. Next morning something tells me I have to leave Vancouver. Where to?, I ask myself. A guy opens a newspaper and I read "Phoenix". It makes sense. Phoenix, Juli, Phoenix suns, Vancouver rains. It makes the kind of nonsense sense that I try to rule my life with. Like making decisions through my three dices. Three red dices I found in Julieta's violet backpack that someone recovered from the accident site. Red. Rubedo. The color of fire.
Driving down to Arizona. No freeways, please. Which way? Roll it. Whatever you think is best is not. Roll it man! Let the spirit guide you. Let chance show you the way. Your mind is too dumb for this universe.
lunes, 5 de diciembre de 2011
The Phoenix. 2.
I am coming down to Phoenix. It's getting late. I check the map. The Grand Canyon. Should I take a look at it? Dice say yes. It's too dark. Where to stop? Flagstaff? What the hell is that? There are a couple of hostels there, though. Should I stop there? Dice say yes.
The Grand Canyon hostel is fine. I check in for the night. The guy at the desk is funny. A leprechaumish air. While going through the check in motions he farts. We all have to leave the room for a while. This is what I call a very good omen. His name is Meric. America with no A.
Two weeks have gone by. Day after day, I decide, it decides, she decides to stay one more night. I am changing. Someone takes a photo of me. I can't find there the sad man I was only a fortnight ago. I make friends. I do service. I try to connect through the love that Julieta taught me through our sixteen years of togetherness. I feel the love of the universe sorround me. I give love. But I am not in love. I can only be in love with Juli.
I promised to go to Phoenix, that was the sign. So I am reluctanly waiting for a new sign to move on. One night Meric moves me from room six, destiny, to room seven, sign. That night I can't sleep at all. A big black guy enters the room and turns the light on. I shout him to turn it off. He starts to mother fuck me in all possible ways. He is big, he is angry, I'm scared. He finally calms down, but I leave the room. Sleepless night. Why on earth did the godess sent me this guy? I have a special connection with the suffering peoples, jews, blacks, natives. This is a hard message. What did I did wrong?
I go outside for a smoke and out of the blue a native american comes and says hi! He offers me a beer. We drink. He is smooth. A cool guy. I tell him what happened with the black guy. He says: "I used to be an angry man like him. My father used to beat me badly. One day I fought back and beat him. I felt miserable. I went to my momm and ask her for help. She said that I had to go to the mountains and ask the spirits for help. The spirits are strong there, not here in the cities. But she warned me to go with an open heart."
This guy was soo cool, so sedative. It was hard to imagine him an angry man. So there's my sign, I said to myself. I'll go to Phoenix now, and look for the mountain for me, where I will ask for the spirits help. I have this pain and this fear in my heart. I don't want them.
The Grand Canyon hostel is fine. I check in for the night. The guy at the desk is funny. A leprechaumish air. While going through the check in motions he farts. We all have to leave the room for a while. This is what I call a very good omen. His name is Meric. America with no A.
Two weeks have gone by. Day after day, I decide, it decides, she decides to stay one more night. I am changing. Someone takes a photo of me. I can't find there the sad man I was only a fortnight ago. I make friends. I do service. I try to connect through the love that Julieta taught me through our sixteen years of togetherness. I feel the love of the universe sorround me. I give love. But I am not in love. I can only be in love with Juli.
I promised to go to Phoenix, that was the sign. So I am reluctanly waiting for a new sign to move on. One night Meric moves me from room six, destiny, to room seven, sign. That night I can't sleep at all. A big black guy enters the room and turns the light on. I shout him to turn it off. He starts to mother fuck me in all possible ways. He is big, he is angry, I'm scared. He finally calms down, but I leave the room. Sleepless night. Why on earth did the godess sent me this guy? I have a special connection with the suffering peoples, jews, blacks, natives. This is a hard message. What did I did wrong?
I go outside for a smoke and out of the blue a native american comes and says hi! He offers me a beer. We drink. He is smooth. A cool guy. I tell him what happened with the black guy. He says: "I used to be an angry man like him. My father used to beat me badly. One day I fought back and beat him. I felt miserable. I went to my momm and ask her for help. She said that I had to go to the mountains and ask the spirits for help. The spirits are strong there, not here in the cities. But she warned me to go with an open heart."
This guy was soo cool, so sedative. It was hard to imagine him an angry man. So there's my sign, I said to myself. I'll go to Phoenix now, and look for the mountain for me, where I will ask for the spirits help. I have this pain and this fear in my heart. I don't want them.
The Phoenix. 3.
Sorry Flagstaff, I have to leave, even when I don't want to. Next stop, Phoenix. Bye friends. Hello destiny. Destiny? Everything starts to go wrong once in Phoenix. I run out of cash, no ATM works well, I run out of diesel and I end up in a hostel where rules rule. Not my style. After enduring a couple of days in hot Phoenix, I say to myself that enough is enough, I am here in Phoenix as I promised and it's time to move on. Where to? Well, I'm a skuba diver and Baja California is too close and too beautiful to ignore.
I take a road through the Apache Res towards Tucson. The road turns into a dust road. I never saw the rock that destroyed my Golf. There's a place close, two houses, a gas station and a mechanic garage named Kachina. Yeah, kachinas are the spirits of nature according to the Hopis.
Guess what? They can't repair it and I end up towed to the next VW dealer. Yeah. Back to Phoenix. Fuck! A week in Phoenix, no car. Thanks Karen whom I met in the Phoenix hostel and gave shelter for the weekend.
Finally I have my Golf ready. Sorry, my heart says now go back to Flagstaff, where I found my joy.
Many years ago an akashik medium told me I had been a north american native in a past life. At that time it meant nothing to me. When I arrive back to Flagstaff I feel oh so well. I drop my things at the hostel, say Hi I'm back to everyone, and go to the corner to buy my Diet Pepsi. Two native americans, a man and a woman I never met in my life, greet me there. "brother, you are back! You bring the sun with you!" They hug me. I look up and see the street signs. Then I realize the hostel is on Phoenix street. Yeah, the signs are all around us. But who knows how to read them?
I take a road through the Apache Res towards Tucson. The road turns into a dust road. I never saw the rock that destroyed my Golf. There's a place close, two houses, a gas station and a mechanic garage named Kachina. Yeah, kachinas are the spirits of nature according to the Hopis.
Guess what? They can't repair it and I end up towed to the next VW dealer. Yeah. Back to Phoenix. Fuck! A week in Phoenix, no car. Thanks Karen whom I met in the Phoenix hostel and gave shelter for the weekend.
Finally I have my Golf ready. Sorry, my heart says now go back to Flagstaff, where I found my joy.
Many years ago an akashik medium told me I had been a north american native in a past life. At that time it meant nothing to me. When I arrive back to Flagstaff I feel oh so well. I drop my things at the hostel, say Hi I'm back to everyone, and go to the corner to buy my Diet Pepsi. Two native americans, a man and a woman I never met in my life, greet me there. "brother, you are back! You bring the sun with you!" They hug me. I look up and see the street signs. Then I realize the hostel is on Phoenix street. Yeah, the signs are all around us. But who knows how to read them?
The Phoenix. 4.
Life in Flagstaff is easy. You open your heart and give love your way. My way? Cooking for everyone. Baking bread or croissants early in the morning. Driving people to some of the many places the area has to offer. Other than the Grand Canyon and Sedona, there are tens of places to explore. Soon I discover some of them. Canyon de Chelly, the Hopi Mesas, Monument Valley. All inside the Reservations. Soon I become kind of expert in Dine and Hopi places. Why? Well, I start to experience what that medium told me long ago. I am native north american. So they tell me. They come to me. They ask me to drive them back to the res. They ask me for a sleeping bag they know I will give away. They come directly to me when injured. They stop me in the street and tell me out of the blue: "you are native". They ask me to stay. They invite me to a secret hopi kachina ceremony, me and a friend, the only whities. Too much for coincidence. These people, they know me like no one ever did. These peoples, my peoples. We share the pain. We share a vision, we are part of the universe as creatures, as any other creature. The world was not created for our exploitation.
And then, love. Yes, without any warning, my heart starts to beat again for someone, someones, I say. What happened next brings me back to the world of the living and loving. Amour, because my comeback to love is certainly said with a French accent.
And then, love. Yes, without any warning, my heart starts to beat again for someone, someones, I say. What happened next brings me back to the world of the living and loving. Amour, because my comeback to love is certainly said with a French accent.
The Phoenix. 5.
I am sitting down at the parking lot of the hostel enjoying mighty Arizona sun when a French girl introduces herself as Helene and asks me to drive her to Monument Valley next day. She is young, a strange and very French beauty, short and rounded, Sophie Marceau air, incredibly beautiful honey eyes. I can't say no to those eyes.
From next day on, we become inseparable. We explore Monument Valley, we explore the Res, we share the full moon rising in the desert, we love each other with no other physical contact than holding hands, a hug here and there, and a lot of je t'aime 's.
You see, all I want is to be around, to make her happy, to feel those sweet eyes looking at me the way she does. I am in love. Again, I never thought I could feel like this ever again. In fact, I never felt like this in my life. No bonds, no past, no future. Just love, here and now. Love is now, and nothing else. And no sex, no possesion. We understand each other and live each day as the first, and the last.
We share the pain. She lost her brother, I lost Juli. They both show up as birds in the right moments. Helene. and I share adventures in a script someone is writing for us. It was Helene who help me find my Sacred Mountain.
The day she left I felt pain and joy. You see, those incredible moments will be with me forever. No future. An everlasting present. Je t'aime, Helene. Before she departs, she gives me her e-mail address. Only then I learn Helene's family name. Helene Phenix.
From next day on, we become inseparable. We explore Monument Valley, we explore the Res, we share the full moon rising in the desert, we love each other with no other physical contact than holding hands, a hug here and there, and a lot of je t'aime 's.
You see, all I want is to be around, to make her happy, to feel those sweet eyes looking at me the way she does. I am in love. Again, I never thought I could feel like this ever again. In fact, I never felt like this in my life. No bonds, no past, no future. Just love, here and now. Love is now, and nothing else. And no sex, no possesion. We understand each other and live each day as the first, and the last.
We share the pain. She lost her brother, I lost Juli. They both show up as birds in the right moments. Helene. and I share adventures in a script someone is writing for us. It was Helene who help me find my Sacred Mountain.
The day she left I felt pain and joy. You see, those incredible moments will be with me forever. No future. An everlasting present. Je t'aime, Helene. Before she departs, she gives me her e-mail address. Only then I learn Helene's family name. Helene Phenix.
The Phoenix. Epilog.
I wake up in the middle of the night with a voice telling me a word. It is meaningless, but I know it is a name. It is my real name. I repeat it again and again to make sure I will remember it next morning. By next morning it is gone. I try and try again, but I can't remember it.
Next night I wake up again, the voice whispers a phrase. I know that it states what I came to this world for. Again, I try to fix it in my mind through repetition. Next morning I do remember it. It is in Spanish: "saco de sal, trigo". It is mythical. "I take (make) from salt, wheat". I don't know what it means, but as a metaphor, I feel the sense. Salt is dead, wheat is alive. Out of death, life. Ashes are salts. The Phoenix rebirths out of her own ashes through fire.
I am not allowed to discover the final mystery of life. But I can't help trying. Thanks to the Phoenix trail of signs I've discovered love again, I've discovered my native american soul, I feel part of an universal drama, both as a protagonist and a minimal actor. It is what it is. "I don't understand!" I shouted to myself once. And then I heard very clearly Julieta's voice: "Dad, this was not meant to be understood".
Back in La Malfatta, my family ranch, I am preparing a little piece of terrain. I call it The Stairways to Heaven. Actually there is an iron stair pointing to the West, "There' a feeling I get, when I look to the West". There's a little pond I made, and a lot of wild weeds, in contrast with the rest of the very clean and standard garden. Frogs and snakes and birds enjoy this little sanctuary. I will throw Julieta's ashes in this place. And hope someone does the same with mine. And we will give life.
Next night I wake up again, the voice whispers a phrase. I know that it states what I came to this world for. Again, I try to fix it in my mind through repetition. Next morning I do remember it. It is in Spanish: "saco de sal, trigo". It is mythical. "I take (make) from salt, wheat". I don't know what it means, but as a metaphor, I feel the sense. Salt is dead, wheat is alive. Out of death, life. Ashes are salts. The Phoenix rebirths out of her own ashes through fire.
I am not allowed to discover the final mystery of life. But I can't help trying. Thanks to the Phoenix trail of signs I've discovered love again, I've discovered my native american soul, I feel part of an universal drama, both as a protagonist and a minimal actor. It is what it is. "I don't understand!" I shouted to myself once. And then I heard very clearly Julieta's voice: "Dad, this was not meant to be understood".
Back in La Malfatta, my family ranch, I am preparing a little piece of terrain. I call it The Stairways to Heaven. Actually there is an iron stair pointing to the West, "There' a feeling I get, when I look to the West". There's a little pond I made, and a lot of wild weeds, in contrast with the rest of the very clean and standard garden. Frogs and snakes and birds enjoy this little sanctuary. I will throw Julieta's ashes in this place. And hope someone does the same with mine. And we will give life.
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