The Phoenix. 1.

Rainy Vancouver. What to do there? I don't know. Waiting for nothing. Doing nothing. I miss Julieta. That's all I do. There's a song from the Phantom of the Paradise movie that's meaningful to Julieta and me. The song is "special to me", sung and danced by Jessica Harper as her character, Phoenix. I fell in love with her, many years ago. Julieta knew it and was practicing to sing and dance it for me in that October when she was killed. Close to her school there's a plaza where Juli's friends wrote in her honor a phrase from the song: "You'll only get hurt if you fall".
Now that she is not physically present, I find ways to connect to her, to honor her life, to love her. "Special to me" by Julieta-Phoenix is one. It makes a lot of sense. Phoenix, rebirth through flames. "flaming burial site exclusive as my dead ones like it" was Julieta's last e-mail address. She knew. Her shrink saw a flaming bird in an ancient native cemetery in Patagonia, days after her death.
I find the song in Youtube. I watch her, I imagine her, I cry her. My Juli, my Phoenix, my soulmate. Next morning something tells me I have to leave Vancouver. Where to?, I ask myself. A guy opens a newspaper and I read "Phoenix". It makes sense. Phoenix, Juli, Phoenix suns, Vancouver rains. It makes the kind of nonsense sense that I try to rule my life with. Like making decisions through my three dices. Three red dices I found in Julieta's violet backpack that someone recovered from the accident site. Red. Rubedo. The color of fire.
Driving down to Arizona. No freeways, please. Which way? Roll it. Whatever you think is best is not. Roll it man! Let the spirit guide you. Let chance show you the way. Your mind is too dumb for this universe.